Berzerk

Ok, I know I said at the end of the last post that I was going to review Megamania: A Space Nightmare next. However, that cartridge is having some personal troubles and asked that I focus on something else this week. Fear not, though, because Berzerk is here. This game has the distinct honor of being the first of those that I have reviewed that has actually given me a modicum of gaming pleasure. Berzerk comes to us from the year 1982, the same year as Bullshit Swordquest and Bullshit Raiders of the Lost Ark (those are new titles I've made for those games using cleverness). So I guess the technology to not suck existed then, some just chose to ignore it. Upon first flipping on the Atari's Frankenstein's-lab-like toggle switch and seeing my pixellated little hero in an all too familiar room layout, I cringed a bit, remembering the 26 1/2 minutes of futility I spent on the last two action-adventure entries (and that's time I can't get back...think of all the stuff I could have looked at on Craigslist in that amount of time...I probably missed out on the notification of a free, used bathroom vanity sitting in an alley somewhere...fuck!). Anyway, within seconds of beginning, my horror was replaced with something I haven't yet felt in Atari World. I think I remember it being called "fun". So, what was the difference? Well, first off, there were other characters to interact with, not just lame-ass "puzzles" (used very loosely) to solve. Despite the fact that these other characters were evil space robots hell-bent on zapping you with a super-futuristic space laser, I was glad they were there to give the game a sense of pace and purpose. For the first five minutes or so of gameplay, I thought the whole objective of the game was to avoid the robots and cause them to run into the electrified walls (oh yeah, all the walls are electric, and they will kill you with zapping, don't touch them). However, out of curiosity, I decided to depress the Atari joystick's one button, which I had been led by Indy and Swordquest to believe had little to no purpose. But not this time. ZAP, Bitches!! Guess who else has a super-futuristic space laser that fires colored rectangles! I actually had a weapon this time, not just an icon of one. And, as I found out after blasting a few robo-jerks, I could shoot it in all different directions. Holy shit. Ok then, that's all well and good, but what happens next? Well, after you kill all the robots in one room, or they kill themselves by walking into a wall, you move on to the next room. Here there be robots, different colored robots with progressively faster weaponry, faster enough to eventually outfox my wily human hero and make me want to give up and make some lunch (I think it will be some kind of chicken and pasta).

Now, after I had played this game long enough to be able to write this technically accurate, in-depth review, I did look at a bit of information about it on Wikipedia. I was both intrigued and disappointed to learn that Berzerk was one of the first games to use voice technology (disappointed because I can't hear it). The robots actually spoke. While this is great and everything, my Atari is currently producing no sound, so I don't get to hear what I'm sure is some pure, synthesized ear-candy. I think the addition of sound may have made me devote more time to this game. Especially after reading that those robo-assholes will even call you "chicken" for hiding behind a wall. Oooh, that would it be it for my Atari hero. He's like Marty McFly, if you call him chicken, it's on.

So, that's it. That's my review of Berzerk. It's actually kind of fun...for a little while. After that, its ability to promote a short suspension of reality fades, and you remember that you are alone on your couch playing Atari at 1:00 on a Saturday. Anyway, for next time: I'm not telling you, that way I don't have to test any cartridges right now. Stay tuned.