Ok, look at that cover. Does it get any more totally badass than that?! You're like the Beastmaster's younger brother or cousin or something. And guess what? Two giant snakes think they can take you down. Not today, motherfuckers! Not if Mr. Bowie Knife has something to say about it (I bet that's no ordinary knife either. It's got to be enchanted. I'm sure that Beastmaster Jr. here had to get it by killing a giant troll or giving a Minotaur a sponge bath or something). How could this game not be good? This was going to be like Krull x Clash of the Titans x Conan the Barbarian...right? Oh, Atari, how I've let you fool me again. When will I lose my childlike naivete and stop allowing you to rend my tender heart asunder? (I'm so sad that I must resort to poetic cliche) And just why am I so sad? Ok, I'll tell you. When you turn this game on, you don't even get a title screen. Beyond that cover, there is no effort to fool you into thinking this game is going to be an awesome fantasy, sci-fi adventure. Instead, here's what you see.
Ok, guess which character you are...come on...just guess. Give up? You're the dot, you're the fucking dot! See it way down there at the bottom? It's one pixel. Are you kidding me!? Say what you want about Atari's other action-adventure titles, at least they had a main character that slightly resembled the human form. Ok, after a short delay for some naughty words, I figured I had better move on. Despite its unsurpassed lameness in this stage, it's at least easy to figure out what to do here. Navigate your pixel into the "door" on one of the "rooms", maybe things will get better from there, maybe this is an overhead view and you'll be a proper 8-bit human once you enter the room. Guess what...come on...this is the last time I'll make you guess...ok, I'll just tell you.
Instead of a human, you are the goddamn kool-aid man. OH YEAH! See him there? He's happy because he's on an adventure and he's full of fruit punch...also, he has a gun, but if I'm remembering the commercials correctly, he's always had that. Ok, more naughty words happened here, but again, the game is understandable and easily navigable, so I can't fault it for that. Basically, you have to move from room to room, collecting the treasure (bowling trophy in the lower left) and killing or avoiding baddies ranging from robots, to snakes, to gingerbread men and disembodied cat heads. If you spend too much time in a room, a little green ghost comes in and haunts you until you die. That's about it, clear all the rooms in one board, move to another map. I think I got fairly far in this game and, despite the fact that whoever programmed this totally phoned it in, I did have a little bit of fun in the process. Obviously, that fun was fleeting and I gave up before I found out the ultimate point of collecting all these trinkets. But, the game was still better than my first two reviews whose names shall no longer be spoken. So, there you have it. If you can get past the fact that
Venture has basically tricked you into believing in Santa Claus and then shown you footage of your drunk dad throwing a series of shoddily wrapped presents under a Charlie Brown Christmas tree, you might have a few units of fun with this one. Time to make some food again, my belly is hungry. For next week...oh, fuck it, it's got to be done sometime:
E.T. Why do I do this to myself? Stay tuned.
Ok, look at that cover. Does it get any more totally badass than that?! You're like the Beastmaster's younger brother or cousin or something. And guess what? Two giant snakes think they can take you down. Not today, motherfuckers! Not if Mr. Bowie Knife has something to say about it (I bet that's no ordinary knife either. It's got to be enchanted. I'm sure that Beastmaster Jr. here had to get it by killing a giant troll or giving a Minotaur a sponge bath or something). How could this game not be good? This was going to be like Krull x Clash of the Titans x Conan the Barbarian...right? Oh, Atari, how I've let you fool me again. When will I lose my childlike naivete and stop allowing you to rend my tender heart asunder? (I'm so sad that I must resort to poetic cliche) And just why am I so sad? Ok, I'll tell you. When you turn this game on, you don't even get a title screen. Beyond that cover, there is no effort to fool you into thinking this game is going to be an awesome fantasy, sci-fi adventure. Instead, here's what you see. 
Ok, guess which character you are...come on...just guess. Give up? You're the dot, you're the fucking dot! See it way down there at the bottom? It's one pixel. Are you kidding me!? Say what you want about Atari's other action-adventure titles, at least they had a main character that slightly resembled the human form. Ok, after a short delay for some naughty words, I figured I had better move on. Despite its unsurpassed lameness in this stage, it's at least easy to figure out what to do here. Navigate your pixel into the "door" on one of the "rooms", maybe things will get better from there, maybe this is an overhead view and you'll be a proper 8-bit human once you enter the room. Guess what...come on...this is the last time I'll make you guess...ok, I'll just tell you. 
Instead of a human, you are the goddamn kool-aid man. OH YEAH! See him there? He's happy because he's on an adventure and he's full of fruit punch...also, he has a gun, but if I'm remembering the commercials correctly, he's always had that. Ok, more naughty words happened here, but again, the game is understandable and easily navigable, so I can't fault it for that. Basically, you have to move from room to room, collecting the treasure (bowling trophy in the lower left) and killing or avoiding baddies ranging from robots, to snakes, to gingerbread men and disembodied cat heads. If you spend too much time in a room, a little green ghost comes in and haunts you until you die. That's about it, clear all the rooms in one board, move to another map. I think I got fairly far in this game and, despite the fact that whoever programmed this totally phoned it in, I did have a little bit of fun in the process. Obviously, that fun was fleeting and I gave up before I found out the ultimate point of collecting all these trinkets. But, the game was still better than my first two reviews whose names shall no longer be spoken. So, there you have it. If you can get past the fact that Venture has basically tricked you into believing in Santa Claus and then shown you footage of your drunk dad throwing a series of shoddily wrapped presents under a Charlie Brown Christmas tree, you might have a few units of fun with this one. Time to make some food again, my belly is hungry. For next week...oh, fuck it, it's got to be done sometime: E.T. Why do I do this to myself? Stay tuned.
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