Raiders of the Lost Ark

Ok, I tried, I really tried to give this game more than 15 minutes of my time. As it is the first of my reviews on here I thought I would be really dedicated to advancing through the game and determining its purpose or, at the very least, figuring out what the icons on the bottom of the screen were. However, after advancing to the fourth screen for the 18th time only to be robbed and sodomized by Anubis (or a nazi in a black hat, I can't be sure) I had to call it quits. So, not wishing to cause myself any further psychological harm, here is my quick summary of the first four boards of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

1. Watch out for that Snake: The first board of the game consists of a blue background (you might be swimming), a rock, and an indeterminate brown object that Dr. Jones apparently needs to retrieve. The goal here: pick up the brown thing, don't get killed by the snake, move on. Simple enough, and it even has some relation to the film. We all know how Indy hates snakes, especially light blue ones that constantly regenerate. I was pleased with the ease of completing this board and had high hopes for the rest of the game at this point. I even thought for a second that the brown thing might be my whip and I could start throwing down on those pesky blue snakes. However, I had no such luck. Time to move on.
2. Loot Like it's a Race Riot: So, walking through the bottom of the first board apparently takes you out of the middle of the Nile and into the heart of a temple somewhere, or maybe a museum gift shop. Either way, there's some goodies hidden in here and it's time to get them. As you collect, the goodies show up as icons at the bottom of the screen. I got a gun, a key, something that resembled a frag grenade, and a...I don't know...crown maybe. Again, this level had more snakes, red ones this time, the same color red as one third of the floor, which means you can't tell where the bastards are until you die by slowly dissolving. Fuck you, early 80s game designers. Also, you can't use that gun you collected, what the hell. Ok, get over it. It's time to walk through the bottom of the screen and move on again.
3. Oh Shit!: Apparently no matter where you exit the previous screen, you're in trouble. This board consists entirely of Indy falling through the sky, past a tree on a cliff face, and right into the fourth board...where you die because you just fell 500 feet. I thought maybe I could grab the tree with with my whip or something and get into some kind of pitfall swinging action. Nope, the one button on the joystick still has no function. Fall. Die. Next.
4. Violation by an Egyptian Dog God...or Nazi: Ok, now you're in the garden maze behind the Overlook Hotel. The snakes are gone, but in their place is a nondescript creature with a gun or a handful of rocks or something. This creature employs a swarm of bees to paralyze as you try to navigate the maze. At this point, said creature runs up to you, steals some of your goodies and then chucks rocks at you. If he misses, you get to keep going once the neurotoxin wears off. However, the bees are way faster than you, so this process of being paralyzed and robbed carries on until all your goodies have been taken. But, the humiliation doesn't end there. Now when you get paralyzed, you have no goodies to appease Anubis and you must therefore offer up the only thing you have left; the young, handsome body of Harrison Ford. At this point in your bee-induced incapacitation, the Dog God (or nazi) simply moves onto your character and gyrates for a while. After this went on for several minutes, I felt too dirty to continue, pulled my toggle switch to "off" and decided never to turn this game on again.

There you have it. That is all I care to experience of Raiders of the Lost Ark. No nazis even got their faces burned off. What a waste of time. For next time: Oh, let's see...how about, Swordquest: Fireworld. Yeah, that sounds like it will be another completely unsatisfying experience. Stay tuned.