E.T. The Extraterrestrial

Awwww, look at him. Who wouldn't want to help that little alien get home? He's not here to hurt anyone. He just wants to eat your Reese's Pieces and touch your children. Wait a minute. Does anyone know how old this alien is? Or what he did on his home planet that caused to him to make a break for it and crash land on earth? For all we know, he could be some kind of pedophilic space fugitive. Look...look there on the cover...yeah, you can see it in his eyes. This guy makes me sick. And it's for that reason, and that reason alone that all I can say to this game is a giant "fuck you...fuck, fucking you". Oh, wait, I forgot, the reason I am saying that is because this game completely sucks. I'm going to sum up the contents for you very quickly and then show you a picture of the game. Then I am done. I don't even want to write about this game. Basically, you crash land on earth...remember? Now you have to get home. But, wait, what's this, Earth is a series of holes, some of which have junk hidden in them. Oh, well then, you'd better get wandering and falling into those holes. Yup, that's it. E.T. falls into holes. Sometimes a bad guy comes and captures you and hauls you off to jail, or the Capitol Building or something like that. Don't worry, though, you can just walk out and continue to fall in holes. Ok, here's a screen shot from the game so you can see what I'm talking about. I don't want to say anymore. Except, did I say "fuck you E.T."? I did? Oh, Ok.

I'll put up a little poll soon so that my faithful readers can vote on which game I review next (I know you're all waiting patiently for each of these entries). Stay tuned.

Venture

Ok, look at that cover. Does it get any more totally badass than that?! You're like the Beastmaster's younger brother or cousin or something. And guess what? Two giant snakes think they can take you down. Not today, motherfuckers! Not if Mr. Bowie Knife has something to say about it (I bet that's no ordinary knife either. It's got to be enchanted. I'm sure that Beastmaster Jr. here had to get it by killing a giant troll or giving a Minotaur a sponge bath or something). How could this game not be good? This was going to be like Krull x Clash of the Titans x Conan the Barbarian...right? Oh, Atari, how I've let you fool me again. When will I lose my childlike naivete and stop allowing you to rend my tender heart asunder? (I'm so sad that I must resort to poetic cliche) And just why am I so sad? Ok, I'll tell you. When you turn this game on, you don't even get a title screen. Beyond that cover, there is no effort to fool you into thinking this game is going to be an awesome fantasy, sci-fi adventure. Instead, here's what you see. Ok, guess which character you are...come on...just guess. Give up? You're the dot, you're the fucking dot! See it way down there at the bottom? It's one pixel. Are you kidding me!? Say what you want about Atari's other action-adventure titles, at least they had a main character that slightly resembled the human form. Ok, after a short delay for some naughty words, I figured I had better move on. Despite its unsurpassed lameness in this stage, it's at least easy to figure out what to do here. Navigate your pixel into the "door" on one of the "rooms", maybe things will get better from there, maybe this is an overhead view and you'll be a proper 8-bit human once you enter the room. Guess what...come on...this is the last time I'll make you guess...ok, I'll just tell you. Instead of a human, you are the goddamn kool-aid man. OH YEAH! See him there? He's happy because he's on an adventure and he's full of fruit punch...also, he has a gun, but if I'm remembering the commercials correctly, he's always had that. Ok, more naughty words happened here, but again, the game is understandable and easily navigable, so I can't fault it for that. Basically, you have to move from room to room, collecting the treasure (bowling trophy in the lower left) and killing or avoiding baddies ranging from robots, to snakes, to gingerbread men and disembodied cat heads. If you spend too much time in a room, a little green ghost comes in and haunts you until you die. That's about it, clear all the rooms in one board, move to another map. I think I got fairly far in this game and, despite the fact that whoever programmed this totally phoned it in, I did have a little bit of fun in the process. Obviously, that fun was fleeting and I gave up before I found out the ultimate point of collecting all these trinkets. But, the game was still better than my first two reviews whose names shall no longer be spoken. So, there you have it. If you can get past the fact that Venture has basically tricked you into believing in Santa Claus and then shown you footage of your drunk dad throwing a series of shoddily wrapped presents under a Charlie Brown Christmas tree, you might have a few units of fun with this one. Time to make some food again, my belly is hungry. For next week...oh, fuck it, it's got to be done sometime: E.T. Why do I do this to myself? Stay tuned.

Berzerk

Ok, I know I said at the end of the last post that I was going to review Megamania: A Space Nightmare next. However, that cartridge is having some personal troubles and asked that I focus on something else this week. Fear not, though, because Berzerk is here. This game has the distinct honor of being the first of those that I have reviewed that has actually given me a modicum of gaming pleasure. Berzerk comes to us from the year 1982, the same year as Bullshit Swordquest and Bullshit Raiders of the Lost Ark (those are new titles I've made for those games using cleverness). So I guess the technology to not suck existed then, some just chose to ignore it. Upon first flipping on the Atari's Frankenstein's-lab-like toggle switch and seeing my pixellated little hero in an all too familiar room layout, I cringed a bit, remembering the 26 1/2 minutes of futility I spent on the last two action-adventure entries (and that's time I can't get back...think of all the stuff I could have looked at on Craigslist in that amount of time...I probably missed out on the notification of a free, used bathroom vanity sitting in an alley somewhere...fuck!). Anyway, within seconds of beginning, my horror was replaced with something I haven't yet felt in Atari World. I think I remember it being called "fun". So, what was the difference? Well, first off, there were other characters to interact with, not just lame-ass "puzzles" (used very loosely) to solve. Despite the fact that these other characters were evil space robots hell-bent on zapping you with a super-futuristic space laser, I was glad they were there to give the game a sense of pace and purpose. For the first five minutes or so of gameplay, I thought the whole objective of the game was to avoid the robots and cause them to run into the electrified walls (oh yeah, all the walls are electric, and they will kill you with zapping, don't touch them). However, out of curiosity, I decided to depress the Atari joystick's one button, which I had been led by Indy and Swordquest to believe had little to no purpose. But not this time. ZAP, Bitches!! Guess who else has a super-futuristic space laser that fires colored rectangles! I actually had a weapon this time, not just an icon of one. And, as I found out after blasting a few robo-jerks, I could shoot it in all different directions. Holy shit. Ok then, that's all well and good, but what happens next? Well, after you kill all the robots in one room, or they kill themselves by walking into a wall, you move on to the next room. Here there be robots, different colored robots with progressively faster weaponry, faster enough to eventually outfox my wily human hero and make me want to give up and make some lunch (I think it will be some kind of chicken and pasta).

Now, after I had played this game long enough to be able to write this technically accurate, in-depth review, I did look at a bit of information about it on Wikipedia. I was both intrigued and disappointed to learn that Berzerk was one of the first games to use voice technology (disappointed because I can't hear it). The robots actually spoke. While this is great and everything, my Atari is currently producing no sound, so I don't get to hear what I'm sure is some pure, synthesized ear-candy. I think the addition of sound may have made me devote more time to this game. Especially after reading that those robo-assholes will even call you "chicken" for hiding behind a wall. Oooh, that would it be it for my Atari hero. He's like Marty McFly, if you call him chicken, it's on.

So, that's it. That's my review of Berzerk. It's actually kind of fun...for a little while. After that, its ability to promote a short suspension of reality fades, and you remember that you are alone on your couch playing Atari at 1:00 on a Saturday. Anyway, for next time: I'm not telling you, that way I don't have to test any cartridges right now. Stay tuned.

Swordquest: Fireworld

Before I start my wonderful review of Swordquest: Fireworld, I would like to give an internet shout out to my friend Libby for generously lending me a large box of Atari games that were vacationing in her basement, they will be loved during their stay with me. Ok, fun time.

Unlike my previous review of Raiders of the Lost Ark, I have no prior knowledge of the story line or characters involved in Swordquest: Fireworld. Whereas with Indy, I knew he wanted nothing more than to keep precious artifacts out of the hands of nazi occultists and maybe steal a few hearts along the way, I have no clue what drives the Swordquest hero. What's he all about? What are his favorite foods? Who is he rooting for on the Celebrity Apprentice? And how did he get himself mixed up in this maddening maze of bullshit puzzles and "games"? (games in quotes for sarcastic effect. Get it? The games suck, so if you were talking to me, I would make air quotes when I said "games". See?) Anyway, here's a really quick breakdown of the gameplay. I think the whole point of this game is to move from room to room (like the one above) and beat a series of mini-games (like the one below). The problem is these mini-games are not very self-evident as to how they can and should be beaten. I spent most of the time trying to figure out if I was the bird-like creatures falling from the sky or the rainbow colored box at the bottom. Fucking thrill ride, right? That's basically the point where I gave up on this game. I tried to play through about five or six of these little games with no apparent luck on any of them. I say "apparent" because I'm not sure if I beat some of them or not. I don't know how you would know. Maybe you get a prize. Maybe if you win one of them the game just turns itself off and you realize that it's a nice day outside. That would be the only victory here. So, that's the gameplay. In my opinion, it's shit. I don't know what the first real success was for the action-adventure genre, but this is not it.

I had the grand idea here to create some sort of backstory for this character, but I feel like that would be putting too much effort into a game I spent 12 minutes playing. I don't even know where I would start. I'm not really even sure what the nature of this Swordquest was. Was I using a sword to complete my quest or was I questing with the goal of finding a sword? Oh, also, it's supposed to be fireworld, but I never saw any fire. A lot of rainbows, but no fire. I feel cheated. So, after two games, I need a reprieve from action-adventure. For next time: MegaMania: A Space Nightmare. Christ, what an epic title! I think I'm going to try to beat this one. Stay tuned.

Raiders of the Lost Ark

Ok, I tried, I really tried to give this game more than 15 minutes of my time. As it is the first of my reviews on here I thought I would be really dedicated to advancing through the game and determining its purpose or, at the very least, figuring out what the icons on the bottom of the screen were. However, after advancing to the fourth screen for the 18th time only to be robbed and sodomized by Anubis (or a nazi in a black hat, I can't be sure) I had to call it quits. So, not wishing to cause myself any further psychological harm, here is my quick summary of the first four boards of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

1. Watch out for that Snake: The first board of the game consists of a blue background (you might be swimming), a rock, and an indeterminate brown object that Dr. Jones apparently needs to retrieve. The goal here: pick up the brown thing, don't get killed by the snake, move on. Simple enough, and it even has some relation to the film. We all know how Indy hates snakes, especially light blue ones that constantly regenerate. I was pleased with the ease of completing this board and had high hopes for the rest of the game at this point. I even thought for a second that the brown thing might be my whip and I could start throwing down on those pesky blue snakes. However, I had no such luck. Time to move on.
2. Loot Like it's a Race Riot: So, walking through the bottom of the first board apparently takes you out of the middle of the Nile and into the heart of a temple somewhere, or maybe a museum gift shop. Either way, there's some goodies hidden in here and it's time to get them. As you collect, the goodies show up as icons at the bottom of the screen. I got a gun, a key, something that resembled a frag grenade, and a...I don't know...crown maybe. Again, this level had more snakes, red ones this time, the same color red as one third of the floor, which means you can't tell where the bastards are until you die by slowly dissolving. Fuck you, early 80s game designers. Also, you can't use that gun you collected, what the hell. Ok, get over it. It's time to walk through the bottom of the screen and move on again.
3. Oh Shit!: Apparently no matter where you exit the previous screen, you're in trouble. This board consists entirely of Indy falling through the sky, past a tree on a cliff face, and right into the fourth board...where you die because you just fell 500 feet. I thought maybe I could grab the tree with with my whip or something and get into some kind of pitfall swinging action. Nope, the one button on the joystick still has no function. Fall. Die. Next.
4. Violation by an Egyptian Dog God...or Nazi: Ok, now you're in the garden maze behind the Overlook Hotel. The snakes are gone, but in their place is a nondescript creature with a gun or a handful of rocks or something. This creature employs a swarm of bees to paralyze as you try to navigate the maze. At this point, said creature runs up to you, steals some of your goodies and then chucks rocks at you. If he misses, you get to keep going once the neurotoxin wears off. However, the bees are way faster than you, so this process of being paralyzed and robbed carries on until all your goodies have been taken. But, the humiliation doesn't end there. Now when you get paralyzed, you have no goodies to appease Anubis and you must therefore offer up the only thing you have left; the young, handsome body of Harrison Ford. At this point in your bee-induced incapacitation, the Dog God (or nazi) simply moves onto your character and gyrates for a while. After this went on for several minutes, I felt too dirty to continue, pulled my toggle switch to "off" and decided never to turn this game on again.

There you have it. That is all I care to experience of Raiders of the Lost Ark. No nazis even got their faces burned off. What a waste of time. For next time: Oh, let's see...how about, Swordquest: Fireworld. Yeah, that sounds like it will be another completely unsatisfying experience. Stay tuned.