Raiders of the Lost Ark

Ok, I tried, I really tried to give this game more than 15 minutes of my time. As it is the first of my reviews on here I thought I would be really dedicated to advancing through the game and determining its purpose or, at the very least, figuring out what the icons on the bottom of the screen were. However, after advancing to the fourth screen for the 18th time only to be robbed and sodomized by Anubis (or a nazi in a black hat, I can't be sure) I had to call it quits. So, not wishing to cause myself any further psychological harm, here is my quick summary of the first four boards of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

1. Watch out for that Snake: The first board of the game consists of a blue background (you might be swimming), a rock, and an indeterminate brown object that Dr. Jones apparently needs to retrieve. The goal here: pick up the brown thing, don't get killed by the snake, move on. Simple enough, and it even has some relation to the film. We all know how Indy hates snakes, especially light blue ones that constantly regenerate. I was pleased with the ease of completing this board and had high hopes for the rest of the game at this point. I even thought for a second that the brown thing might be my whip and I could start throwing down on those pesky blue snakes. However, I had no such luck. Time to move on.
2. Loot Like it's a Race Riot: So, walking through the bottom of the first board apparently takes you out of the middle of the Nile and into the heart of a temple somewhere, or maybe a museum gift shop. Either way, there's some goodies hidden in here and it's time to get them. As you collect, the goodies show up as icons at the bottom of the screen. I got a gun, a key, something that resembled a frag grenade, and a...I don't know...crown maybe. Again, this level had more snakes, red ones this time, the same color red as one third of the floor, which means you can't tell where the bastards are until you die by slowly dissolving. Fuck you, early 80s game designers. Also, you can't use that gun you collected, what the hell. Ok, get over it. It's time to walk through the bottom of the screen and move on again.
3. Oh Shit!: Apparently no matter where you exit the previous screen, you're in trouble. This board consists entirely of Indy falling through the sky, past a tree on a cliff face, and right into the fourth board...where you die because you just fell 500 feet. I thought maybe I could grab the tree with with my whip or something and get into some kind of pitfall swinging action. Nope, the one button on the joystick still has no function. Fall. Die. Next.
4. Violation by an Egyptian Dog God...or Nazi: Ok, now you're in the garden maze behind the Overlook Hotel. The snakes are gone, but in their place is a nondescript creature with a gun or a handful of rocks or something. This creature employs a swarm of bees to paralyze as you try to navigate the maze. At this point, said creature runs up to you, steals some of your goodies and then chucks rocks at you. If he misses, you get to keep going once the neurotoxin wears off. However, the bees are way faster than you, so this process of being paralyzed and robbed carries on until all your goodies have been taken. But, the humiliation doesn't end there. Now when you get paralyzed, you have no goodies to appease Anubis and you must therefore offer up the only thing you have left; the young, handsome body of Harrison Ford. At this point in your bee-induced incapacitation, the Dog God (or nazi) simply moves onto your character and gyrates for a while. After this went on for several minutes, I felt too dirty to continue, pulled my toggle switch to "off" and decided never to turn this game on again.

There you have it. That is all I care to experience of Raiders of the Lost Ark. No nazis even got their faces burned off. What a waste of time. For next time: Oh, let's see...how about, Swordquest: Fireworld. Yeah, that sounds like it will be another completely unsatisfying experience. Stay tuned.

Let the Frustratingly Unplayable Games Begin

Hello Internet Friends. Welcome to the Summer of Atari. Sounds exciting doesn't it? Well, kind of. Here's the story so far. I recently brought home an Atari 2600 and an assortment of games to help me pass the time between reading about Intergovernmental Relations and staring at my wall. Save for the sheer gaming joy brought about by a few recognizable, classic titles such as Pac-Man, Pitfall, and Qbert, my Atari-related excitement has quickly given way to frustration at my inability to figure out what in the fuck the point of most Atari games is. While discussing this matter with a friend, and trying to determine what E.T. falling into a series of holes has to do with the movie, the suggestion was made that I create this blog to chronicle my effort to play through all of the games that I either own or have borrowed from friends. My main objective with this blog is not to attempt to "beat" these games so much as it is to try to establish something of an understanding of their purpose. For example, in the case of E.T. as mentioned above, I feel compelled to know why this pixellated little alien must carry on in his world of interconnected holes and what he can do to escape this horrible fate and get back to hanging out with Drew Barrymore. I realize there is probably already some explanation of the purpose of this and all of my other games elsewhere on the webs. However, if I were to just read this information, I would be missing out on the countless hours of quality me-time that I will get to spend blowing into dusty old cartridges, swearing at my TV and then telling four people on the internet about it. Well, the summer is short and I've got about 40 or 50 games to get through (assuming they all still work), so I had better get started soon. Stay tuned for the first installment in this exciting series: 1982's Raiders of the Lost Ark. Coming in at the forefront of a grand tradition of horrible games based on films, it's sure to be a crowd pleaser. See you soon. (Also, I'm going to think of a catchy sign-off for the end of each entry. That's what blog peoples do, right? Yeah, I think they do. I'll do that later. )